Old Friends

Old people are so irritating.  Maybe you've noticed.  I finished up my workout this morning and headed to the showers anticipating a long stint in the hot tub.  I mean hanging out in the hot tub is really the only thing that makes going to the Y worth the effort.  But this morning things didn't go according to plan.  I walked in the shower room and there in the hot tub were two really nice guys, guys that are ordinarily fun to talk with if the conversation sticks exclusively to travel, but they're evidently too old to deal with the hot tub jets and instead just sit in the still tub (when it is still you can see how dirty it actually is) and soak.  Whenever an individual asks them if it would be okay to turn on the jets, they shout NO in unison.  On those mornings when I see the two of them in the tub, I just sigh a little and take a quick shower and get the hell out.

At what age does a human being stop growing, stop reading the papers, stop watching the news (they watch Fox instead), stop thinking or liking or accepting anything that they have not already thought, or liked, or accepted?  When you read KING LEAR for example, you are supposed to be sympathetic toward the older generation as they are being eaten alive by the ravening wolves of the younger generation, but let's face it, if you really had to deal with Lear and Gloucester and Kent, if you had to give them rides in your car, or share a hot tub with them, or have dinner with them, you would end up hating them and rooting for good old Goneril and Regan to put them out of their misery.  Kent says plaintively that he is "too old to learn."  I used to well up when I read that; now I want to tell him that if he's so old to shut the fuck up about it.

I'm not just talking about chronology here.  There are all kinds of people younger than me who are clearly already in their dotage.  For instance, if I take an "old" person someplace in my car I can't open the sun roof, or keep all the side windows wide open.  And when I do keep everything shut down, I have to be careful that the air conditioner doesn't blast them in the face.  Even if the climate inside the car is acceptable, if it is sunny outside and the old person spaced out his/her sun glasses (old people are always spacing out things like their sun glasses), you would think the old geezer was being exposed to nuclear fall out the way he puts his hand over his eyes to protect himself from the same sun that has been beating down on him without effect for the past 80 years.  I always carry an extra pair of sun glasses in the glove compartment.  Ray Bans.  If I'm gonna help some oldie stay out of the sun, I want them to be stylin'.

And I don't like the way they dress.  Old people always think they have to dress appropriately, so they wear suits during the day and wear hose and wear khakis and never shorts.  I don't trust people who never wear shorts.  They cover up to protect themselves from that same intruding sun in the previous paragraph.

They don't laugh as much as they used to.  They don't get the jokes on "The Daily Show" and, of course, "Colbert" is a complete mystery.  Why does he pronounce his name that way?  They're on the look out for gay people who might want to molest them, poor people who might want to take their money, black people who might want to marry their daughters and become President.  They miss Johnny Carson, have grown grudgingly accustomed to David Letterman and are still relieved that Conan didn't take over.

They like to eat out, but don't chew their food as carefully and thoroughly as their age requires and end up punctuating every meal with terrifying choking fits usually during or right after the salad course.

Don't get me wrong.  Some of my best friends are old people.  Now that I think about it, ALL of my best friends are old people.  But if you ever catch me rolling up windows, shading my eyes from the sun, choking over an underchewed scallion, or worst of all, turning off the jets in a hot tub, I want you to shoot me.