Crystallized Parenting

Katherine today.

It's December 22nd and it snowed all last night and I don't have to go any place and Franny's in-laws have arrived safely and there is food in the house. Jim has shoveled once and is psyching up for another go at it. As a life long feminist type, I feel odd I've only shoveled the walks several times in my life. I'm okay about it though. It looks pretty cold out there.

Mostly I'm waiting for Franny's baby girl to arrive. I've been thinking about this a long time. Because Franny has moved here, there are some things that are wonderfully immediate about the waiting experience.

I've discovered I'm constantly living on some sort of grandparental precipice. I feel this with Chris and his four kids--the grandkids we already know and love. I have thoughts and bits of advice or tidbits to share with he and Franny now and then and I don't always share what I'm thinking (hard to believe, but true). I also believe there's a lot of stuff you just have to learn on your own and you're best off if you do. Bringing a baby home from a hospital fits here. My purpose here is to catalogue the best parenting tips I can actually verbalize. None of these will cover bringing a baby home from a hospital.

I suppose I should explain how this list is organized. I've been trying to crystallize the things I liked about what Jim and I did as parents for the last several months. We certainly weren't perfect, but I feel good about a lot we've done as parents. Since October, when I could synthesize something into a statement that might actually make sense, I wrote it on a sticky note and stuck it my journal. The order of the following is based solely on the order that I crystallized a thought. I tried to limit my anecdotal comments, but there are still some included with my list of parental tidings. What can I say?

One last thing. These are not new insights and just because I participated in raising three kids, it doesn't make me an expert. It does, however, make me happy that I can look back and have a sense that what Jim and I did accidentally as parents over the course of years seems to have some sort of pattern when seen at a distance.

Crystallized Parenting:

1. Say yes when the request is not dangerous, when it does not upset the family budget beyond reason, when it does not upset family routines beyond reason, and when the request can foster genuine growth.

2. Have dinner together.

3. Have absurd rules. My favorite was for Chris: No tap dancing at the dinner table!

4. Weekly family rituals are good. The Broncos and nachos provided more familial glue than football success when the kids were little.

5. Realize each kid comes with a personality that is pretty much unchangeable. Could be brain chemistry, genes, food allergies, etc--explain it how you will, the personality arrives at birth. Enjoy it, revel in it, and point it in the right direction. Knowing the right direction is the hard part.

6. We chose praise and acceptance over criticism. Our whole family is addicted to praise. I've decided there are worse addictions. Along with praise and acceptance, there must also be some push to go further and do even better somehow.

7. Bedtime rituals are wonderful. Don't rush or skip them. Also good to carry your kids from the car to beds for as long as you possibly can. A hard part of growing up is having to wake up in the car and walk yourself from the backseat to the bedroom.

8. Talk about school every day, but don't talk about grades. Ask what happened in each subject (something always happened with curriculum and strategies to access content). Don't let up until you have detailed answers.

9. Cultivate family restaurant spots. We went to the Lakewood Bar and Grill and the Monterrey House with the boys. The Riviera and Romano's with Franny. I have fun imagining where Franny's family will hang out--Lou's Food Bar? Lola's? Mezcal's? The Brother's Bar? Bones?

10. Enjoy hanging out with other couples who have young kids. Our times with Barb and Michael and learning to be grown-ups with them are treasured times.

11. Find your family stories and rituals and create your family mythology.

12. Moms and Dads should go on dates.

13. Everybody in the family is entitled to secrets.

14. Restaurants are good places to deal with big events in the family. I'll forever remember how Jim and kids kept me together at the North Woods Inn the first time I learned about my cancer. Good news or bad news--you sort of have to behave in public. Also, we can detail the history of our family through the restaurants where news got shared.

15. Activities should come two ways. Expose kids to as much as you possibly can and watch the kids and they'll tell you where they want to go. Once you find a solid direction of interest, increase exposure and instruction and support in that area. Works in the arts, athletics, academics--anything really. Help your kids take risks if they are headed where they want to go.

16. Show up. Part of quality parenting is quantity. Seeing one performance is not as good as seeing two performances. Seeing them all is best. Jim never missed a single softball game and would not have missed a soccer game if the boys hadn't often been playing simultaneously. I've never understood the recent societal belief that quality somehow surpasses quantity. As a teacher and a parent I can tell you that's a crock. A student will write better if he or she writes until his or her arm falls off. One quality assignment here and there won't do it. Guiding your child means seeing your child a lot--even if that child chooses to be in Marching Band (it can happen). Quantity is hard. Really hard. It's important.

17. Hilary Clinton is correct. It takes a village. Let your kids have as many mothers and fathers and aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins and friends as possible. Cultivate people and love them and let them love you.

18. Don't talk baby talk or talk down to your kids at any age.

19. Say "I love you" a lot. Hug a lot.

20. Strive for healthy habits. Enjoy cooking. Eat as fresh and as locally as you can. Avoid processed foods. Exercise in some way. Model healthy habits and don't ask kids to do what you do not.

21. Read in front of the kids and to the kids. When they read on their own, read the same books and talk to them about what they've read. Enjoy reading together.

22. Try not to censure, but to guide. Better to stretch the intellect and realize that it's better to be trained for the loss of innocence than to build a protection system that will never ever work. Just ask Rapunzel or Holden Caulfield. Franny always had to see films beyond her years in all ways because she was surrounded by grown-ups. It paid off--she was the only 4th grader whose favorite films included Shakespeare's Henry V (she named her gerbil Henry) and The Taming of the Shrew (she could hum the theme song while in the tub). We were always there when we took the kids into adult worlds (especially in theater, movies, and books) and that made the difference.

23. Point out happy things. In The Big Chill a character says, "I haven't seen that many happy people. What do they look like?" Jim and I used to have smiling drills in class. It's hard to be happy if you don't know what it looks like. It's part of why I like Tim Tebow. He looks happy. Anyway, remind your family how happy they are during happy times. The world works to make you forget that.

I suspect I'll discover other crystallizations in the future. They can wait. Right now I'm happy to wait for the new baby girl and watch as my daughter becomes an amazing mommy and she'll find the perfect way to harmonize her feminist soul with a beautiful little girl who may want to be a princess and paint her bedroom a truly terrible color of pink.

WHITE CHRISTMAS

Lone Tree Arts Center

I remember driving down to Mesa State years ago to see our son Chris in his first college production, Wind in the Willows. Looking back, I remember the prospect of seeing him perform outside the comfortable little world of Green Mountain High School, or Elitch Garden's Stax of Wax was a little scary. We were pretty sure Chris was good, but we were probably prejudiced. But seeing him on Mesa's main stage that day still remains one of the great moments of my life. He was better than I thought he was! Sweet vindication.

I had that same feeling driving to The Lone Tree Arts Center to see Starkey Production's White Christmas. Chris had been in Littleton Town Hall's production of the show last year and he thought this would provide a good vehicle to use for branching out into play production. Judging by the packed house, I would say he was right.

First of all, let's talk about the facility. While not as huge or as grand as its northern cousin, The Arvada Center, Lone Tree's 500 seat main stage, art filled atrium, and glass filled peaked facade has provided an impressive launch for an important regional arts center. My only complaint about the place is that there isn't a great restaurant next door. A pizza joint, yes, and all those mallish little outposts, but no Mizuna or TAG or Park Burger in sight. An enterprising restaurateur should take note.

Back to the show. White Christmas, like most Irving Berlin shows, is nothing more than a review of Berlin's music wrapped around a hammered together plot. But who cares. The music, for the most part ("What Can You Do With A General" might be an exception), is terrific. Add to this a strong cast and Wendy Duncan's choreography and you end up with a memorable night at the theater.

Be forewarned, the first scene starts the evening off slowly when the curtain opens on a huge stage with newsreel footage of WWII on an overhead screen. Below we find a small grouping of soldiers huddled around on Christmas Eve as Bob Wallace and Phil Davis regale them with Christmas standards. Quick freeze and cut to postwar Manhattan as Wallace and Davis star on Sullivan. From there we somehow get to a train traveling to Vermont and the fun part of the show begins. To this point all the musical numbers are terrific, but "Snow" stops the show. (I've always wanted to say "stops the show.")

To make a long story short, our heroes fall in love, save their old general from financial ruin, and put on a show in a barn. And at the end of the show there is even a bit of muted flag wagging. This is everything a Christmas audience could want and it is delivered with pace and class.

Even though some of the earlier expository dialogue is lost to the flashy musical numbers, things begin to smooth out by the time the scene moves to Vermont. Deborah Persoff as Martha Watson, the Inn's concierge, is one performer who is powerful enough to fill the big stage and nearly walks off with the show. I liked her here better than last year in the same role at Town Hall. That stage was just too small for her.

Randy St. Pierre and Chris as Wallace and Davis sound terrific together. St. Pierre wisely gets out of the way on dance numbers and Chris tones down his big voice to blend perfectly with all of his partners on stage. Chris' two dance numbers, "The Best Things Happen When You're Dancing," and "I Love a Piano," are better than the same numbers last year at Town Hall. First of all, there is room to move. Second, all the girls in the chorus are dancers and the guys at least move well enough to fake it from upstage. But I think the best thing about the choreography is that it isn't overly ambitious. It doesn't ask the chorus to do more than it can, and yet it is powerful and full of energy. And of course there is Chris up front in each number leading the way.

Brianna Firestone and Leslie Frankel are wonderful as the Haynes sisters. I'm especially glad that Leslie is thin enough for Chris to lift in the dance numbers.

Most especially, Paul Page takes the sappy General Waverly part and makes it interesting. I actually found myself tearing up during his last speech, which is especially remarkable because I'm usually looking at my watch as final curtains approach.

High praise for having real musicians. Your five piece combo (Jeremy waling on sax) is jazzy and loud and the transition to recorded music for the production numbers is seamless.

So what is the message here? Postpone all further activities and get tickets for White Christmas at The Lone Tree Arts Center. Last night is December 23.

Vindicated once again.

I Never Got A Ham!

Life has been so wonderful lately that I have had nothing to blog about. It would be unseemly if I simply shared all the good stuff that I have been feeling, plus it is no fun to write about stuff without being sarcastic.

Luckily I found something in this morning's POST that pissed me off enough to stop watching reruns of The Dick Van Dyke Show and come down here to the computer. "Alabama OK with apple for teacher but not an iTunes card" reads the headline on the little sidebar blurb on page 8A.

After the passage of a new ethics law, Alabama teachers may face fines of $1000 and up to a year in jail for accepting gifts from students in excess of $25 in value. The article specifically targets hams and $25 dollar gift cards as examples of holiday excess directed toward teachers. However, homemade cookies, coffee mugs (presumably with "World's Greatest Teacher" printed on them), and fruit baskets are okay, the article asserts.

Now that takes all the fun out of teaching right there. I remember throwing an extra garbage bag into the car the last day of school before Christmas break just to carry home all the largesse I knew I would score.

I'm kind of glad I didn't get a ham. First of all I couldn't bear the mental picture of some nerdy sophomore boy being forced to lug twelve pounds of pork to school in his already overfull backpack. And then what if I had the kid during first period? Where would I put the ham? The minifridge in the the lang arts office would already be full of salads and desserts for our last day pot luck lunch. And it would be embarrassing sneaking the thing into our house with the neighbors looking out their collective windows, armed with yet more proof of the profligacy of public education.

Come to think of it, In thirty-years I never saw a single colleague get a ham from a student. Although, I did get a bag of elk jerky once. It was very good washed down with a cold Negra Modelo.

I can't imagine how such legislation would have impacted my career in the classroom. On the first day of class I would always let the kids know I was aware of the difficulty of choosing just the right occasional gifts for teachers. When I was in school, I struggled with that just like they will struggle, I assured them. Then I would offer suggestions. Chocolate chip cookies--NO NUTS--were always welcome. If homemade, so much the better. I let them know that on movie days it was always appropriate to bring some extra popcorn--Jolly Time popped by hand on the stove--for the teacher. I realize that my gift list was modest in terms of price, but I wonder if my pandering would go against the spirit of the law?

The fact of the matter is that we never needed the extra garbage bag. My briefcase would usually do the trick. Although, we have gotten some great gifts and we've always accepted them as our due. I still have the black Cross pen Dane Erickson gave me his senior year. In fact, I would be lost without it. It is the only utensil I can use when doing crossword puzzles each morning.

One lovely young lady in CCB gave us a year long membership to the Denver Art Museum! If Colorado had had a similar law back then, I would have been breaking the law to accept it. Ethics be damned. We enjoyed the museum that year and especially liked the newsletter.

Katie Haeck gave Kathie a very pricey basket that still sits on our brass top table impressing visitors. We've also received gift certificates to expensive restaurants and some pretty impressive bottles of wine.

But mostly it was cookies and cards with an occasional apple thrown in for good measure. We would go home with our prizes and put them under the tree if they were still wrapped. Kathie was always happy with how festive it made the house look. I was always busy counting, seeing who got the most.