I Never Got A Ham!

Life has been so wonderful lately that I have had nothing to blog about. It would be unseemly if I simply shared all the good stuff that I have been feeling, plus it is no fun to write about stuff without being sarcastic.

Luckily I found something in this morning's POST that pissed me off enough to stop watching reruns of The Dick Van Dyke Show and come down here to the computer. "Alabama OK with apple for teacher but not an iTunes card" reads the headline on the little sidebar blurb on page 8A.

After the passage of a new ethics law, Alabama teachers may face fines of $1000 and up to a year in jail for accepting gifts from students in excess of $25 in value. The article specifically targets hams and $25 dollar gift cards as examples of holiday excess directed toward teachers. However, homemade cookies, coffee mugs (presumably with "World's Greatest Teacher" printed on them), and fruit baskets are okay, the article asserts.

Now that takes all the fun out of teaching right there. I remember throwing an extra garbage bag into the car the last day of school before Christmas break just to carry home all the largesse I knew I would score.

I'm kind of glad I didn't get a ham. First of all I couldn't bear the mental picture of some nerdy sophomore boy being forced to lug twelve pounds of pork to school in his already overfull backpack. And then what if I had the kid during first period? Where would I put the ham? The minifridge in the the lang arts office would already be full of salads and desserts for our last day pot luck lunch. And it would be embarrassing sneaking the thing into our house with the neighbors looking out their collective windows, armed with yet more proof of the profligacy of public education.

Come to think of it, In thirty-years I never saw a single colleague get a ham from a student. Although, I did get a bag of elk jerky once. It was very good washed down with a cold Negra Modelo.

I can't imagine how such legislation would have impacted my career in the classroom. On the first day of class I would always let the kids know I was aware of the difficulty of choosing just the right occasional gifts for teachers. When I was in school, I struggled with that just like they will struggle, I assured them. Then I would offer suggestions. Chocolate chip cookies--NO NUTS--were always welcome. If homemade, so much the better. I let them know that on movie days it was always appropriate to bring some extra popcorn--Jolly Time popped by hand on the stove--for the teacher. I realize that my gift list was modest in terms of price, but I wonder if my pandering would go against the spirit of the law?

The fact of the matter is that we never needed the extra garbage bag. My briefcase would usually do the trick. Although, we have gotten some great gifts and we've always accepted them as our due. I still have the black Cross pen Dane Erickson gave me his senior year. In fact, I would be lost without it. It is the only utensil I can use when doing crossword puzzles each morning.

One lovely young lady in CCB gave us a year long membership to the Denver Art Museum! If Colorado had had a similar law back then, I would have been breaking the law to accept it. Ethics be damned. We enjoyed the museum that year and especially liked the newsletter.

Katie Haeck gave Kathie a very pricey basket that still sits on our brass top table impressing visitors. We've also received gift certificates to expensive restaurants and some pretty impressive bottles of wine.

But mostly it was cookies and cards with an occasional apple thrown in for good measure. We would go home with our prizes and put them under the tree if they were still wrapped. Kathie was always happy with how festive it made the house look. I was always busy counting, seeing who got the most.