Monday, October 14, 2019

Fire Alarms and Nuclear Explosions

I want to elaborate a little on the whole hearing aid experience.  My new (actually, my first) hearing aids will be here around the first of November.  My appointment is already set up.

I'm looking forward to them primarily because once I have them I can stop thinking about them all the time.  They aren't all that noticeable.  Jaydee, when she looked at my loaner pair, said they looked like part of my glasses.

I was at The Yard House at Colorado Mills with some friends a couple nights ago.  Every young person on the west side of town must number The Yard House as a destination beer hall.  It was packed to the rafters and there were another two dozen people waiting outside to get in.  I don't understand it.  The food was decidedly mediocre and the din made any attempt at conversation, at least for me, impossible.  Trust me.  I won't be going back.  But I bring the place up because if I had had my hearing aids on that evening, I might have stood an outside chance of knowing what my friends were talking about.  As it was, I just waited till we were on our way home and let Kathie explain what I had missed.

I'll be able to hear the girls in the car, anybody in the car, more easily.  I won't have to turn around while traveling on C-470 so I can read Willa's lips when she says something.  Things will be safer.

The most interesting thing about the hearing aids is that they come in different price ranges so as to accommodate any budget.  Each price range lists what the wearer might hear with the hearing device he or she chooses.  I guess I'm spoiled, or too stupid to worry about money, but it is hard for me to imagine getting hearing devices that don't offer the best sound.

The audiologist showed us a chart of five different devices, the cheapest starting at $800 with increments for the others going all the way up to $4800.

I asked how they were different, if there were any disadvantages to getting the most expensive devices, other than cost.  The chart explained everything in horrifying detail.  Let me see if I can remember.

The cheapest hearing devices would cost me $1600 for a pair and Kaiser forks over $500 per ear.  That leaves me with a bill of only $600 for the EconoAids.  That's not really what they are called, but it fits.  The EconoAids are clearly not for everyone, but if cost is a factor, they are the ones for you.  With them fitted neatly in place and stuck into both of your ears, you will be able to hear fire alarms and nuclear explosions.

For an additional $1200 or so, you will not only be able to hear nuclear explosions, but will also  be able to make out what another individual is saying as long as that individual is sitting facing you with knees touching.

The next increment is even more audiologically impressive.  You will be able to hear all the things the cheaper models insure, but you will also be able to make out words and phrases in a public setting.  Television shows will become instantly understandable.  Of course, closed captioning is also advised as an adjunct.

The devices just keep getting better.

I got the top of the line.  For that I will be able to hear the whole range of sounds that humans and machinery can make.  "Would you like to hear music," the audiologist asked.

"Why not," I answered.  "I remember liking music."

"Well, if you like music, these top of the line devices are for you."

"Will I still be able to hear a nuclear explosion?"

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