I spend a lot of time lately trying to figure out who I am and what I need to do to feed my wee soul. It is one of the things I have in common with Stephen Colbert. He keeps having installments in a continuing bit called "Who is Me?" He took a lie detector test on himself the last time.
It's hard not to lie to yourself. My lies are kind of cute though. I like the one I tell myself that I'm aging in something akin to Meryl Streep. I used to think I was doing as well as Jane Fonda (leave out her hair), but she's not looking so good these days. Mostly my lies to myself feed my vanity or rationalize away shopping. My favorite lie here is about the practicality of buying something for myself--it just has to be cheaper than seeing some sort of therapist.
I won't even begin to talk about the lies I tell to myself about needing to purchase yarn. Only a knitter could understand. I'm amazed I knit, look at yarn websites online as though they were porn, and am contemplating joining my knitting friends for a fun-filled weekend of knitting classes in Ft. Collins next spring. How did I turn into a knitter? Anyway, I'm working on a lie about needing to walk the CSU campus so I can go to a knitting fest. I'll let you know how it goes.
Part of self-awareness, for me at least, is self-improvement. Every time I take a good long look at myself, I discover there are these little things that make me not like myself as much as I would like to like myself. I thrive on liking myself. I hardly ever get into this mood and mode without going on some kind of diet and work-out reform. It almost always coincides with a five pound weight loss. It works out. I work on the weight while I figure out what I really want to work on. I keep using the word "work" intentionally. This self-improvement shit is hard work. I'm old. I know this.
Part of this self improvement is also always a return to my life as a Junior Language Arts teacher. It was one of many teaching assignments, but this one was a challenge. The class covered the entire history of American Literature (we nicknamed the book BIG RED and it weighed a ton) and a virtual plethora of writing and speaking challenges. It was tough to say if the kids liked reading the Iroquois Constitution, writing the multi-genre research paper, or giving the required speech the most. I know the Horror Unit (God I hate the word "unit"--it is the most confining word in education) was a hit. We watched PSYCHO (permission slips included).
Peter Herrold and I taught the class together. We created together. We often put our classes together for presentations. We created quizzes and tests that were rife with really funny jokes. Peter's jokes were the best. I really liked our assessments. It was working with Peter and our attempt to make Junior Lang Arts a vital and interesting class that made me fall in love with Ben Franklin and his quest for self-improvement.
BIG RED had a large chunk of stuff to read about the Revolutionary Period of our country. You may have all sorts of patriotic feelings about Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Paine, John and Abigail Adams, George Washington and any number of other tried and true patriots, but I want to tell you they are a bitch for a high school junior to just decode much lest get all excited about. Motivation is tricky here. That's where Ben Franklin comes into this.
Ben, though not a piece of cake to read, at least is readable and he has a really cool sense of humor about himself. We had a chunk of his Autobiography in the book and a play he wrote about his battle with gout and something else that I just don't remember right now. The play was a real kick. Peter would dress up as Ben (he looked great--really) and I played Lady Gout who attacked him with the gout. The kids liked it. They laughed at the right parts and watching Peter standing there with a loaf of bread under his arm to show his gluttony. They were no doubt relieved they didn't have to read the thing as homework as well. Anyway, after our performance, we launched into the idea of self-improvement and the part of Ben's Autobiography that was in the book that outlined his lovely, but failed attempt to become a better guy.
I re-read that sucker every year I taught that class. I believe in Ben's self-improvement system. It beats the heck out of anything I've seen on the Oprah show. Just like Ben, however, I fail at the system. I think that's what I like about Ben's self-improvement system the best. It's okay to fail.
Ben's idea was that you identify the virtues you wish to achieve and attack them one at a time. You try each and every day to work on a virtue and put a dot on a calendar each day you make it through having upheld the virtue. When you got a fortnight of dots in a row, you were ready to move to the next virtue. I don't really remember the number of days you needed to get dots in a row, but I've always wanted to use the word "fortnight" in a sentence and this seemed like a good time. What can I say? It's not like the masses are reading this. You get a lot of dots in a row and you move on.
I remember some of his virtues. Frugality is one. I hate frugality. It's low on my list. I know it's important, but it just looks like failure to me. I usually start with something that has hope of success. That's why I start with the weight thing. It's concrete and I have a history of success. Frugality...I can't even make it through a week.
Last year I observed a teacher at The Ben Franklin Academy and they emphasized one of his virtues each month. I hated who picked them. December was frugality. How can you do frugality with Christmas on the horizon?
I don't remember all of Ben's virtues. The virtues weren't important. The process was. Thank you, but I have my own demons.
I have kind of Zen goals and creativity goals and figuring-out-who-I-am goals and I am, of course, in the process of trying to lose about five pounds. The problem here connects with one of my Zen goals. The goal I am working on here is DOING ONE THING AT A TIME. Another goal, PUTTING SPACE BETWEEN THE THINGS YOU DO, is pretty much in place because it has always been in part of my nature. I like hanging out between activities as much as I like the activities. My next goal is to focus in on the activity that goes before the space. I'm sucking at it.
Doing one thing at a time is hard. I am struggling right now. There is a football show on in the background that would normally be off, but I am taking care of Janet Simmons' Fantasy team and she has Andrew Luck and I am semi-trying to decide if I play Luck or Alex Smith for her. I am a terrible Fantasy player. The responsibility of this sits heavy on my heart. I can't even type a post about doing one thing at a time without multi-tasking.
The other hard thing about doing one thing at a time is that another Zen goal is jumping into my life and I haven't even been working on it. Or I didn't think I was. It's about gratitude. I keep bumping into gratitude and it's on my Zen list. It wasn't near as high on my list as doing things one at a time, but it's looking like it might just disappear by the wee act of simply paying attention.
In the last few days I have found myself grateful for the following:
1. The Pope.
2. The Broncos Defense.
3. Cowboy boot weather.
4. Reading stories to Willa before her nap yesterday. Gramps usually does that.
5. Making meatloaf with Willa before Franny picked her up to take her home.
6. That my jeans zipped.
7. Jim made me poached eggs last night.
8. Chris's family gets to go to NYC next week.
9. Franny's new house is almost done; it is so amazing.
10. Going to bed and waking up with Jim each morning.
11. Living a life that does NOT involve dressing up as Lady Gout anymore.
That's enough. I am going to stop writing and really give the Andrew Luck decision some real focus. It is nice to feel like famous people. I like thinking I have things in common with Stephen Colbert and Ben Franklin. Ben, like me, always improved and moved through virtues, but he back-slid with style and forgave himself with wine. Me too.
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