Father' Day

I don't put much stock in special days like Father's Day, Mother's Day, most national holidays, and birthdays.  Christmas and Thanksgiving I can tolerate, but it is getting harder every year.  I just don't like the idea of sending cards, giving flowers, or candy, or presents in general on those days.  I know this sounds cheesy as hell, but I think that if someone is special, you shouldn't wait for a birthday to do something about it.

Father's Day is the worst.  It is nothing more than a marketing attempt to cash in on the previous marketing of Mother's Day.  Who is the biggest beneficiary of such days?  Hallmark Cards, of course.  Oops!  I just spoke disrespectfully about a business, a Job Creator.  I'm going to quick get off the keyboard and genuflect.  I'll be right back.

There, that's better.  I think Father's Day is my least favorite because it brings all my father issues to the surface.  Remember the great feeling you used to get--still get--when you give the perfect present to your mom or dad?  That perfect aspen leaf pin for mommy.  A paisley tie for dad.  You saved up, or borrowed the cash from your grandmother.  You made the purchase yourself.  Went home and gift wrapped it and spent the whole night in bed dreaming about how happy mom would be when she fastened that pin on her blouse.  I mean, how sharp does that look?

I'm not soliciting sympathy here, but I never had that experience with my father.  I made my mom cry over the perfect gift lots of time, but my father left long before I had a chance to give him something special.  If I had gotten him something, it probably would have been a roll of stamps so he could stop deducting the ten cent postage from the child support checks he sent my mother.  $24.90 every week like clockwork.  Oh well, at least he was punctual.  But enough of that.

The only real problem not having a father caused me was that I never developed an attraction for power tools.  I do go to Home Depot and Lowe's to get stuff for home projects, but you won't find me wandering through the power tool section sizing up the latest innovations in cordless drivers. (My favorite is the cordless screwdriver.  I remember my grandmother had one of those back in the fifties.)  I also never felt an urge to have a mancave where I could hang out with my buddies, drink beer, eat lots of nachos and guacamole and act like I care about who wins.  In short, Father's Day, like leaking sinks that refuse an easy fix and flapperballs that are less than reliable, makes me feel somehow inadequate.

I was looking through the Post yesterday and noticed on the feature pages a list of gift suggestions for Dad.  I knew the list would piss me off, but I read it anyway.  A Bosch articulated-arm miter saw was first on the list.  The article said it was perfect for a small workspace.  That would certainly apply to my, ahem, workspace.  If I had the slightest idea what an articulated-arm miter saw was I might want one.

Here is a better one:  the Rockler Insty-Drive, 18 Piece Self Centering & Countersink Set.  My mother always told me that I was too self-centered.  Maybe this piece of equipment would help.

The list left the power tool motif for a moment and suggested a JBL Charge Portable Wireless Bluetooth Speaker.  It will not only supply the driving bass line that any decent mancave requires, but it is sturdy enough and produces enough sound to go with Dad on his latest handy man project, like turning out table legs on his new lathe.

And the coup de grace, The Bottoms Up Home Unit Kit for dispensing draft beer in your mancave.  It fills the cup from the bottom up for a perfect glass of beer every time.  Finally, something practical.

There were other suggestions, but they pretty much followed the same theme:  Things To Insulate Dad From His Family On Weekends.  I just don't belong in the demographic that this list is speaking to.  I would mostly like Father's Day and all other such days to disappear, but since that isn't going to happen anytime soon (think what it would do to the economy), I do have one item I'd like.  I have a water color by my uncle (my mother's twin and my namesake) that I would like to put in an oversized mat and frame and hang on our big living room wall.  This is not the kind of gift you talk about with your buddies over a beer.  It would probably cost around $500.  I know, I know, I could probably pick up a perfectly good table saw for the same price, but it would look lousy in my living room.

Hey.  Happy Father's Day.  I hope everyone has a great day with their kids.  We're going to Chris' for brunch, but before I go I'm gonna get over to Lowe's and check out Black & Decker's Cordless Lithium-Ion Gyro Screwdriver.  My grandmother never had anything like that.